08162017Headline:

Why Would You Stick Your Head In There?

"Howdy, mam. Point me to your Kohler."

“Howdy, mam. Point me to your Kohler.”

If you were to ask our friends how much Husband and I get out of the house, dollars to donuts, they’d probably look at you and say, “Who?”

Besides a social life, the only other casualty this relationship has suffered is an accurate point of reference for normal behavior. We don’t get out, spend almost one hundred percent of our time telling people to stop eating things they find on the garage floor, and, because of this, end up waist deep in conversations about what “people in the real world” do.

“Well, they don’t do that.”

Before he shook the water out of his mustache and wiped his mouth on his sleeve, Husband gave me a quizzical look. “What are you talking about? Of course they do.”

“Nope. No they don’t.”

We’d hit a stalemate, as this was the third time in two weeks this conversation had come in to play. Each time my beloved shoved his head under the kitchen or bathroom faucet to get a drink, the urge to ask him about it and walk him to where the glassware was stored in no particular order overwhelmed me.

“Honestly, I don’t know why it bothers you so much. I’m sure if you saw people on a regular basis, and asked them how often they stuck their head in the sink instead of wasting a clean glass, by putting water in it and then calling it dirty, they’d agree with me.”

“Really?”

“Absolutely.”

“I was just humoring you. No they wouldn’t! Glass companies don’t stay in business because Americans just walk around sticking their heads down next to dried toothpaste and old rust stains that look vaguely like the Washington Monument. I’d love to be a fly in the wall at that board meeting. “Well guys, no one’s using cups anymore, but let’s just keep loading the shelves so people have something to leave on their nightstands and humanely trap spiders with.”

“Ugh, woman, you’re ridiculous. That would never happen.”

A shiver went up my spine. “Of course it wouldn’t. I’d never put a spider under a cup. I say kill them before they eat your family. Listen, we bought glasses so we could use them. Admittedly, they were mostly given as a wedding gift, but our friends and family had every intention of buying them so we could hydrate ourselves, not shove our heads under the old spout and snort around like wildebeests.”

Clearly, we weren’t getting anywhere. (He doesn’t even believe in killing spiders, so I’m not sure what we originally saw in each other.)

In a supposed checkmate, my other half motioned to something invisible. “Wasn’t there a time, any time, when you drank too much and had to get up in the middle of the night to get a drink? Are you saying you’ve never just put your head under the faucet?”

I nodded. “Here and there. But I think the key to that scenario is that I’d been drinking. You perpetuate this ridiculousness when you’re sober. I’d like to see anyone inhale five Long Island ice teas and not try to quench their horrendous, 2am thirst by rolling around in a bathtub.”

“There you go.”

“I’m not admitting defeat. I’m going to ask the internet.”

“Love you.”

“Oh, go stick your head in a sink somewhere.”

So, if you all would be so kind, please tell me, what do other people do? Is drinking straight from the tap acceptable? Or have we been holed up here too long? You’re right. It could be both.

Paige Kellerman blogs about marriage, babies and gin at www.paigekellerman.com, and is the author of At Least My Belly Hides My Cankles: Mostly-True Tales of An Impending Miracle. You can reach her at paigekellerman@gmail.com.


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